Tips for Clumsy People

Hello. I suffer from CPD, (Clumsy Person Disorder,) and I have made this list of things to help others with this affliction.

#1 Drink out of Mason jars; they are pretty hard to break

#2 Don’t even touch expensive, fragile stuff if it doesn’t belong to you.

#3 However far away you think you need to walk from that coffee table with drinks on it, walk farther, because believe me, you will bump into it if you don’t.

#4 You know how in restaurants, they will sometimes seat you at a table that’s against the wall, and nobody wants to squeeze into that chair in the back? Don’t take that chair. If you somehow manage to get back there without knocking stuff over, you won’t get out. Trust me.

#5 If you are trying to decide if you should get a cat or a dog, get a dog; cats take way longer to forgive you for stepping on them.

#6 Don’t talk to someone if you are holding something breakable. If you are anything like me, you can’t talk and hold stuff at the same time. I don’t know why.

#7 Don’t get a glass stove top. I learned that the hard way, by breaking two of them. (I used to be really embarrassed about that. I think I’m over it now.) Seriously, those things are expensive. Get a metal one.

#8 If you ever get the courage to go to a doctor and say,

“I’m really clumsy. Can you scan my brain to make sure nothing’s wrong with me?”

Please tell me the results, because I’m too shy to do that but I’ve always wanted to, you know, just to be sure that I really only have CPD and not, I don’t know… something actually wrong with my brain. But I’m pretty sure if I did, I’d be dead by now because I’ve been clumsy all my life.

Disclaimer: I am not making fun of people with any kind of mental illness/something wrong with their brains, only my own clumsy self. And if CPD stands for something else, sorry, I was not aware.



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